Everyone, I need help/advice. My wife (of 1 year) is horribly depressed and wants a baby. I'm 27 and not sure if I'm ready for that. I don't want her to be depressed, but fear has always run my life and I overthink everything. I worry I'm overthinking this and that's why I'm not ready or if I'm just truly not ready
update: so after extensive discussions and getting the first round of professional help (more to come). We have discovered my wife was depressed because she wasn't doing what she wanted. She was feeling there were many things she was pressured into (like graduate school) and so by deciding to put that on hold for now, she has been feeling immeasurably better. Still wants to have a baby, and after all this I am feeling much better about it as well. thank you all so much for the help and support!
@Juggernaut315, A baby might not be great for a depressed person. It can be hard for me to do basic things like brush my teeth sometimes; I can’t imagine having to care for a little human, too. And the hormonal changes might make it worse. Is she seeing a therapist or psychiatrist?
@Juggernaut315, Hello my dude. I don’t think you’re overthinking this at all! Thinking about starting a family is probably one of the most consequential decisions you can make and requires A LOT of consideration. If you think your wife is depressed having a kid will most definitely trigger or worsen the underlying chemical imbalances/ mental health issues that can lead to depression. Since you obviously care about your wife ( since ya know you kinda married her) i think it’s totally worth having an open an honest discussion about your concerns about her mental health and how you think having a child might not be the best thing for your newly formed marriage. DO NOT dismiss her desire for a kid acknowledge her wants and ask yourself and be honest “do I want a kid?” If the answer is yes then you can go from there. Depression is a real S.O.B to deal with and never really goes away but if you continue to support her and seeing a mental health professional you will come out stronger.
@Juggernaut315, hope this helps- Stranger from the interwebz
@Juggernaut315, SirMajorGeneralTime had some good advice.
My wife is also emotionally tumultuous these days due to the drastic changes in lifestyle recently and now feeling even more stuck at a job she hates even more. We both are honest with each other and we both want babies. Talk it out #1 and if you both want kids, make a plan with goals. What do you both need emotionally before you have kids? What do you need monetarily? Definitely build up a decent emergency fund and hopefully a small savings. The more cushion you have, the less anxious you'll both be and the easier it will be. Having goals that you can both work toward should help her feel more certain and driven and less prone to feelings of angst and helplessness and depression.
@Gatsby, thanks for replying, her depression stems from a miscarriage from before we met. She prepared for that phase of life and has been craving it since. So it's a bit different in this case. I should have specified that
@SirMajorGeneralTim, this does help and I greatly appreciate the input and you reaching out. The thing that I should have mentioned is; she had a miscarriage before we even met and so she's been ready for a child for years now and has felt a void in her heart from it. That's why she is depressed, because she's wanted this for years. I do want a kid, well part of me does. The other part is too scared to consider it
@mas2de, that's definitely some good advice, thank you. Definitely doing what we can to always build some savings. She has a degree but going back for a higher one. Wants to drop that to go back to work fulltime too so we can save and prepare more. She is only depressed because she is a carer, she's been ready for this for a few years now and hasn't gotten it. So her depression doesn't stem from anything other than a kid sized hole in her heart
@Juggernaut315, if her depression is a big factor here, which it sounds like it is, going back to school is a real show stopper when it comes to planning for kids. Like, just go ahead and push everything out 2 or 3 more years for a masters or another 4-5+ years for her doctorate.
One or the other. Not both, simultaneously. That's asking for trouble especially in someone who may not be entirely stable. Get more stable first, then start trying again.
Best of luck you two with your decision and with her carrying. Hope it all goes right the next time.
@Juggernaut315, if you are not 100% SURE you want kids do not have them
and there’s always a chance having this baby will make your wife even more depressed with“postpartum depression”
my mother had a miscarriage before me and i was basically born from a similar situation to you and the neglect i got from my extremely depressed mother still fvcks with my head to this day
have a sit down talk with her and spell out your fears and encourage her to seek therapy before having a child
@mas2de, thanks buddy, I really appreciate it!
@liviwintergirl, oh my god that's horrible. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. That is invaluable insight though and I very much appreciate it. Definitely need to bring a situation like that to light
@Juggernaut315, I don't have much input on this jugger. But here's what I can tell you. I'm basically restating a few things other members of the community have said and adding a few of my own. If you are not 100 percent sure you want a kid yet, don't do it. I dont think I need to tell you the level of commitment it takes.
Second if she's going back to school for a higher degree, that's going to take a ton of time, stress, and sleepless nights. On top of that she's emotionally depressed. While it may be true that she may be depressed since she hasn't had a kid yet when she is ready for one, giving in to her by having a kid while she is depressed is not a good idea. While it may be true she may have a turn around on her depression upon becoming pregnant and having her child, its simply not something I would gamble on. Make sure she is in a better place mentally and emotionally.
Talk to her about your personal concerns. That you aren't sure you are ready for a kid yet.
@Juggernaut315, Continuation. Be completely honest with her about how you feel and your concerns. You are in this together. Dont give her a child simply because she wants one. Have one together because you both want it and are ready for it on all fronts, that includes mental and emotional stability. I now realize that I mostly said what was previously said. But I really wanted to chime in. I know this is a bit extreme but my cousin had a baby a few years ago. Same as your wife, she was ready for a child and hadn't had one yet. She was depressed because of it. She didn't have a miscarriage like your wife thats true, but the important fact is she was depressed when she had a kid. Long story short she ended up neglecting the child to the point where her husband had to distance her from it until she sought therapy and showed signs of improval. Obviously I'm not saying your wife will do that.
I'm simply stating this as an air of caution.
@Juggernaut315, I truly hope things work out for the best for you two. Keep us posted, and of course the community here will help you in any way we can. Best of luck to you and i hope we could help if even a little bit.
@Imp stormtrooper, I didn't think you were implying or saying anything of the sorts, don't worry. That's another valuable lesson and story for me to hear and learn from, thank you very much. I definitely think we should do some therapy and fix this depression from not having a kid. It doesn't sit well with me. But I cannot tell if I am truly unsure myself, or if I'm just letting irrational fears take over as I have done my whole life. Thank you and everybody so much for the incredible support
@Juggernaut315, there is nothing irrational about being cautious of having a child or not. I would argue that is common sense or at the very least intelligence.
@Imp stormtrooper, yeah but my irrational fears are more so like "will I be good enough?" "Can I handle a crying child when I don't like my 1 year old niece crying?" Those. The money and support is there for it all. And she would stop school to have the child. So my fears are just on me and being good enough
@Juggernaut315, I became a dad this last November, and those irrational fears of “am I good enough?” Persist with me even now. The difference maker for me is that my wife (who also has depression) and I are on the same page and are super supportive for each other. She sees me as a good father and I see her as a good mother and we both take turns reminding each other of this. As far as not liking other children, I’ve heard from many people that hate children that having their own child is so different (my aunt for one, who just had one a month ago). And the crying at 3 am isn’t something that I enjoy, but it’s something I don’t mind as much because I choose to remind myself every night of my love for the child, and the fact that he’s cute just helps that along. This might not be the case for everyone, but this has been my experience and the experiences of those around me.
@PsychicAsian, thank you very much for that. I needed to hear someone on the other side of it. And the fact that you can relate so much is a huge help. Thank you
@Juggernaut315, next time you have sex, don’t pull out. Problem solved.
@ImNotRacistBut, my goodness *slaps forehead* why didn't I think of that!
@Juggernaut315, there’s no decision to make afterwards; it’s Crib-searchin’ time.
@ImNotRacistBut, ah yes the kum and go to target. The jizz and jet to buy buy baby. The blow your load and prepare the carseat for the road
@Juggernaut315, You don’t have a baby because you are depressed. You go see a doctor and begin counselling - even if its from a past miscarriage. Not a good idea. It is okay to be worried or not be ready. If she is in school, she should finish that first.
Textbooks? You mean sci fi writers that gave humans to much credit.
@NameyMcNameFace, honestly? Dubai looks like that. If countries actually invested in themselves and in infrastructure we'd all look like that.
@hollow114, that's true, although in Dubai's case its country is already incredibly wealthy from oil and they don't spend much on their military. It'll be a lot easier to do this kind of thing when you've got a whole lot of cash lying around.
Edit: Plus the United Arab Emirates is mostly covered in sand, so it's no surprise Dubai looks the way it is since all that capital is invested in one spot instead of all throughout the country
@Sexy Homunculus, that and they have one of the most laxed tax policies in the world. So of course rich people go there and invest.
@NameyMcNameFace, which brings in even more people who want to party and buy shjt
@Sexy Homunculus, they also have laxed laws, outside the custom laws they have.
For example if you follow all the laws that seem weird to the us, you can basically do anything you want. Anything that needs a permit? Naw. Want to fly in your jet pack? Go ahead. (Real thing)
They have the biggest new year party every year. It’s a cool place to visit, and is on my bucket list.
They legit have gold atms. What the fück.
@Sexy Homunculus, also. There is so many super cars there that speed that the police themselves had to buy lambos to catch up to give speeding tickets.
Thanks buddy, really appreciate it!