I'm currently writing horoscopes for a website and I feel so weird when I do it because it's so much bullshjt. So if y'all want your horoscope just tell me, mine are always 100% true. Trust me.
@A pet named Steve, I'm an Aries
@A pet named Steve, Gemini please?
@A pet named Steve, Scorpio, please?
@A pet named Steve, Taurus. I expect a high quality horoscope from you
@A pet named Steve, caprihorn
@SimonPetrikov, Aries. Yes. You will meet the love of your life today. But then you discover that she's actually a he, and it gets hella awkward. Also, don't wear green, he doesn't like that color.
@ TouchMyCatEars, hello fellow Gemini. Today, you feel rather happy. Someone will touch your cat ears. Also, you should stay away from large bodies of water. There is a higher chance for shark attacks today.
@A pet named Steve, Leo please?
@Aaron Burr, You are in a rather bad mood. You will meet a Gemini today. If you touch their cat ears, your mood will lighten. Also, buy new milk, you're almost out.
@Robin the Tactician, you feel sad today. Try out something new! A new hairstyle, a pretty dress perhaps, and cute make up. Try to go on a date, it will make you feel much better. Also, stay away from people that wear green clothes.
@A pet named Steve, 😻 you just blew my mind because ALL of these have already happened to me today!! Marry me, Steve..
@A pet named Steve, am I out of milk? Shjt I am!?
@A pet named Steve, the last part was very accurate. Overall: 7.8/10 no scales tipped in horoscope.
@SWAT the fireman, Today, you feel that you are bursting with happiness. Try making other people happy as well. Buy a funny costume, perhaps a shark fin, and go to the nearest beach on this beautiful day! You will make people laugh and brighten their day. Also, eat lots of bananas. Like, super many. They're full of vitamins.
@A pet named Steve, I'm also a Gemini. If it helps, I got my username from a yugioh card.
@Jebodeiasque, Today you feel threatened. You should stay away from the streets because some weird Capricorn covered the whole thing in banana peels and you WILL slip and and break a few bones. Also, a good alternative to going outside is to watch Netflix on your friend's account, so do that.
@A pet named Steve, what should I watch on netflix
@Jebodeiasque, that Capricorn she mentioned is me.
@A pet named Steve, I live in Virginia Beach, so that beach is 5 minutes away!
@Neo Daedulus, sorry no horoscopes for nerds
Nah I'm just kidding. Today, a Leo keeps logging into your Netflix account and you feel super mad about it. You should try to do something else, maybe do some sports. Run a marathon. Something like that. Make a healthy milkshake. Don't worry if you don't have milk, just take your neighbor's. I'm sure he won't mind. Also, don't forget to wear deodorant. Axe is a good choice today.
@SWAT the fireman, well I don't see any banana peels near me
@Jebodeiasque, my spiritual senses tell me that Jupiter is in perfect constellation for some Rick and Morty.
@A pet named Steve, I ought to start watching that show
@Jebodeiasque, you will 🔮
@A pet named Steve, Libra, please? ^^
@Timtrooperdrum, Today, your date is stolen by a Gemini. But you're not even mad, because he smells, like, REALLY good. You will end up following him around together with a larger group of people and you will wonder where they're all running to. Also, did I mention he has milkshake?
@A pet named Steve, well now I have to, I guess
@A pet named Steve, ooh me! Capricorn!
@A pet named Steve, im surprised no one is a cancer, so cancer please :)
@A pet named Steve, Sagittarius please.
@The Akron AWOL, Today, you are sad because none of your friends that you invite over will actually show up You will even have made milkshake for them. But they think that the milkshake of the Gemini on the yard next door is better than yours, and damn right, it's better than yours. Also, don't go to taco bell today.
@A pet named Steve, Leo
@Ahnald Schwarsanagga, Pretty sure Keemstar is a cancer
@Ahnald Schwarsanagga, you should eat well Today for a great famine will come over the land. Perhaps try and raid some food places to gather supplies, like, a taco bell or something. Also, I heard that dude next to your friend's door has some really good milkshake.
@Mattizzle9, make someone happy today! Go out and give free candy to random children. Their mothers will adore you for being so nice to their kids.
@Pierce the reverse , Today you will listen to a lot of good music. Especially from your favorite band, falling in veil. Also, don't make the music so loud that people around you can hear it even from the other side of the bus. That's annoying. Even if it's your good music taste.
@A pet named Steve, sounds good! Quick, to my windowless van!
@A pet named Steve, this is so true 😄 thanks
@A pet named Steve, Pisces please!
@Littlechuckie, you are annoyed today because a Leo is hearing loud music and you can hear it through his headphones even from the other side of the bus. Though you admit that they have a good music taste. Also, keep an eye on your children.
@A pet named Steve, virgo 🅱
@A pet named Steve, Oh well that's fine, I don't wear green
@A pet named Steve, well I'm a Libra
@green shirt guy, you will see a beautiful Taurus ♉, but she/he will avoid you because of your choice of clothes. Consider wearing a blue shirt from time to time. But be careful, blue attracts sharks.
@Bonersaurus, Today, you are upset because another Libra will win that marathon you trained for so hard. Dude doesn't even look like he knows hat he was doing, running in Street clothes next to some good smelling Gemini. In order to calm yourself down, you should binge watch Netflix shows. Don't worry if someone gets mad at you for not doing your work, just tell them it was foretold in your horoscope.
@A pet named Steve, Aquarius Do me! Please!
@Bar of broken heroes, well if you want to I can forward that offer to Aquarius but I'm not sure if she'll accept that
@A pet named Steve, I'm an Aquarius, could you tell me my fortune?
@Bar of broken heroes, thy fortune is... You will eat many healthy foods today. Haha! Just kidding. Junk food it is. But remember to work out! But, like, only remember to do it, you don't actually have to work out. Oh and you'll meet a Capricorn in a shark costume heading to the beach, but you should just let him go his way.
@A pet named Steve, Its the middle or winter. Why would he go to the beach?
@Bar of broken heroes, there's plenty of hot places with a beach. And when it's winter in America, it's spring in Australia! I dunno where he lived though
Wow that is so me!!!! XD
Incorrect, I am a fish
@Skizshot45, guess you could say I'm a pisces
@Skizshot45, But don't fish breathe in their own way? That's what their gills are for, right?
@Skizshot45, is that you Kanye?
*Holds breathe forever just to prove it wrong*
@thesamfactory, won't be a long forever
@thesamfactory, Sorry to science this, but unless you have something cutting off your oxygen, you'd pass out and start breathing again before you could die.
Citation: the teaching aide in middle school telling me this when I wanted to try this for whatever reason (idk, I was a weird kid)
Women believe in horoscopes because they're space aliens
Scorpio for the win! Oh wait the stars and planets don't influence my life whatsoever