Kate nose what's coming next and it's going to stink.
@Colin Kaepernick, 👃
@Colin Kaepernick, eye saw that pun coming
@Benlol, I'm outside with bad lighting. I thought that was a penis at first
It was a long day at work. I was driving home, looking forward to a night with my wife. When I arrived there, she was packing her things in a suitcase. I tried to stop her, but she said she didn't love me anymore. This was
@Mr Tenacious, the worst day of my life. The years rolled by, day in day out. My job was at a furniture store. I was the head salesman and was doing relatively well for myself. My job was to make the customer fall in love with the piece of furniture they were looking at. However, I was still lonely. I had no one to love me. Day in and day out I would sell furniture to newly wed couples buying a house or cribs to couples who had just had a baby. Their lives were happy. They would look at the furniture, and I could see the love for it growing in their eyes. I was giving the task of closing shop, and every day it would be turning off the lights, I was alone with the furniture for a good 20 minutes. I would imagine the furniture laughing at me. They would tr
@Mr Tenacious, tell me that it was they who the customers loved and coveted, and I was just there to carry them to their cars. I would cry and cry, but the furniture items were relentless. Sometimes I would break the furniture. My boss would wonder what happened, but she never suspected me. Then, one night, I had an idea. I found the biggest queen sized bed, and carefully sliced open the seam. Every night I would take out and rearrange the goose feathers, creating a little compartment inside. I would crawl into this compartment and make small unnoticeable air holes to breathe out of. The next day came, and a new couple walked in looking for a bed. A quickly showed them to the one I had modified. It wasn't easy. They wanted to look at the other beds, but I aggressively insisted they needed this one. I cut 95% off the price. They looked at me strangely, asking if their was something wrong with it. I said no, it was the best one we had( though it wasn't). They gave in and bought the bed.
@Mr Tenacious, Now, since my job was sales and not checkout, I directed them to the checkout counter to get help moving it. I think Jamal was working that day. When they were gone, I had a short 10 minutes to prepare. This was my chance. I quickly opened the seam and hopped in, making myself lie flat so as to not distort the shape of the bed. I then waited. A couple of movers came in the move it. They did not notice how heavy it was. I chuckled. My plan was working perfectly. I was the one who was bought so I was once again loved. If only my wife could see me now. She would be so jealous she would want to take me back, but I wouldn't let her. They put me in a moving truck and drove off with me. It was hot. The only way to survive the heat was to take off all my clothes. When I got to the house. They moved me up to the bedroom. Their room was on the first floor, so they didn't have to take me up stairs. However, the husband noticed it was heavier than normal. He thought it was the
@Mr Tenacious, hardwood frame, and had to use carpet sliders to get me in. Once I was in their room, I waited. This was my life now. I was the bed of a loving family. I hard childlike laughter upstairs and got accustomed to the creaks of the house. However, it wasn't before long I had to pee. I forced myself to hold it in, blocking my urethra with the shaft of a feather. Crisis averted. Then bedtime came. I ah planned this. My opening was in the middle of the mattress, so neither would be sleeping directly atop me. Then, I heard small feet running towards the room. That's when it all went wrong. The daughter had just had a nightmare, and wanted to sleep with mommy and daddy. She crawled atop the bed. But she chose to lie with her back against my breathing holes. A couple minutes passed, and I could bear no more. I first punched my arm through the mattress. The mother saw this and started screaming. The father and mother quickly got off the bed, then the father pulled the child off.
@Mr Tenacious, I ripped a hole in the mattress and slowly crawled out. The father was covering his child's eyes. The mother recognized me and screamed that I was that salesman. She started sobbing uncontrollably. I stood atop them, fully naked and sweat drenched. All I wanted was to be loved. Just then the feather in my urethra gave way to a streaming flow if urine. It drenched the family, and the father held his family and started sobbing as well. When I moved towards them, they ran. I tripped and was crawling across the floor. The father glimpsed back at me with an expression of utter agony. I shouted," LOVE ME Goddammit, LOVE MEEEE!!!" The father slammed the door. I was able to escape through a window before the police arrived.
@Mr Tenacious, before I read this... Is it true?
@Mr Tenacious, you must have been traumatized after the anus incident
@Mr Tenacious, what did I just read?
@Mr Tenacious, man you left the mattress just as the good part started
@Mr Tenacious, * Reads, slowly sips coffee**walks off to find the batcave to rethink my life*
@Mr Tenacious, glad I stuck with it
@Mr Tenacious, I cant believe I even read that.....wth
@Mr Tenacious, I like these stories you write, keep it up
@Mr Tenacious, Um, @Scary Mike, did you forget to change your name back?
This has nothing to do with the picture but I became an Eagle Scout today!!!
8 July 2014 #8July2014
It's like everyone can smell it and is disgusted, except for that one guy leaning in for a better wiff
The girl behind him likes it
God Save The Queef? Sorry.........................so sorry
Where will u be when diarrhea strikes
Swear to god, working (at a gas station), eating a burrito right now.
*cough* petrol station *cough* they are british. Plus we dont have burritos here. Thats right, i killed the joke
Where will royalty be when diarrhea strikes?
Anyone ever heard of a Cheddarwurst? Taco bell and Chipotle run in fear of the atomic cheese stuffed inside an ExLax hotdog. Available at most Seven-Elevens.